Animal jokes
What did the frog say to the pedophile?
I have a pussy. It's very hairy. It has a long thing sticking out of it. It's also very hair. My hairy pussy meows and purrs.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the worst dam program I've ever seen.
The thing about animals is every time you pick one up, you have to put it down.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A. A bird can fly, but a fly cannot bird.
What does a cow sound like when in a horror house?
Moo mooo moooooooo (screaming)!
My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?
Me: No.
Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.
What does a grape do if a rhino is about to squash it?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
What do you call a very rude bird? A mockingbird.
"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.
"That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?"
"I'm a butcher," he says.
What do you call a 100-year-old frog?
An old croak!
When you tell an Asian kid it’s raining cats and dogs and he’s like, “Just open your mouth and close your eyes!”
A fish is dead, who do you call? Aquaman!
What do you call a cow that's beating his meat? Beef stroganoff!
What kind of fish knows math?
An anglerfish LOL
"Did you hear about the worst zoo in the world? It only had one dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu."
What time is it when you get home? Can you walk walk and a car and get home and get a walk home and get a dog 🐕? Today is the night I can drive.
If a dog made a computer, it would have a mega bite.
What's a kind of cat that lives in the water? Octopus.
What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.