Animal jokes
A bird was on a branch at school today. I turn away to talk to my friends, and another bird was there when I turned around. I turn around again, and the birds are having fucking sex!!!
What the fuck.
Now I've seen everything.
Why are cheetahs not good at hiding?
They’re always spotted!
Why do cheetahs always get 100 on a test?
They’re cheetahs!
What do you call a bear with no ear?
B.
Rat
What do you call a dinosaur with good eyesight?
Do you think he saw us?
What do you call a dinosaur with a butt?
A Butt-asaurus.
Can bees fly in the rain?
Not if they don't have their yellow jackets!
What is the worst animal to play cards with? A cheater.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Chicken.
Chicken who?
Are you chicken me????!!!!
What does a bear beat off with?
His bear hands.
What type of shirt do kangaroos wear? Jumpsuits.
What happens if a boy bumps into a dog?
It’s a bumper team.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't, it only went halfway.
Why would the chicken not cross the road?
Because it's too old. (The joke is old.) (The chicken is old.)
When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.
Why do Indian people have bad tempers? Because when they were growing up, their parents told them they couldn't have a cow, so they threw a tantrum instead.
Why did the turtle start flying? He was on a jet.
You smell dirty toenails and pigeon sex.
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"