And jokes

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.

Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.

I was playing hangman, and I gave up on the word "LIFE".

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, and she kept shouting “9!”

That's the best I've done so far.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber.

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.

When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers, and says, "You guys should know your limits."

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?

Both their parents were separated.