And jokes

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

What has 4 wheels, 2 legs, and loves his shoulder?

Stephen Hawking.

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.

What’s the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?

The doctor doesn’t enjoy giving physicals.

Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?

Donald Trump can only F@#k up.

A cop pulled me over and shouted, "Papers!" I shouted, "Scissors!" and drove off.

What's worse than depression & suicide?

Easy: LIVING. Everyday you wish you were dead but then reality hits you in the face that you're still alive and have to suffer living.

Pretend or not pretend, we have to decide everyday even if we don't pretend no one will notice :) no one ever does :). Living is the problem to everything. We get depression cuz of it and so much. Why can't we just die :)?

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Doberman in a playground.

You know what me and my spine both have in common? We are both not straight.

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar says, "I resent that!" The drunk says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" and the other guy says, "No, I'm an asshole!"

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."

Me: "Why did you?"

Mom: "I was very drunk..."

Explains a lot...

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today," and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron." Then the first atom said "How Ionic."

When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life

Dream tweeted, and I quote, "Babies kick pregnant women all the time, but I do it one time and I’m the one arrested."

Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?

Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.