And jokes

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."

I encountered a milf at a bar last night. Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.

We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time.

Then, she asked me flirtatiously,

"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet."

She drank a little more, and said, "Well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."

So she took me to her place.

She took out her keys, opens her door, turns on the light, and she yells towards upstairs,

"Mom, are you still awake?"

What's the difference between humans and bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon.

What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"

My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.

What has 4 wheels, 2 legs, and loves his shoulder?

Stephen Hawking.

What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledgehammer, and the other is a watermelon.

What’s the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?

The doctor doesn’t enjoy giving physicals.

What do painters and prostitutes have in common?

They're both paid for a good finish.

Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.

... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.

A cop pulled me over and shouted, "Papers!" I shouted, "Scissors!" and drove off.

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby I have in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

What's worse than depression & suicide?

Easy: LIVING. Everyday you wish you were dead but then reality hits you in the face that you're still alive and have to suffer living.

Pretend or not pretend, we have to decide everyday even if we don't pretend no one will notice :) no one ever does :). Living is the problem to everything. We get depression cuz of it and so much. Why can't we just die :)?

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Doberman in a playground.

You know what me and my spine both have in common? We are both not straight.

Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

My friend and I were walking down the street, and we saw this one disabled kid getting bullied by three other kids. Urgently, we sprinted over to help. He had no chance against the five of us.

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?

Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.