And jokes

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

There once was a street named Chuck Norris. They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

What's the difference between onions and babies?

I cry when I cut onions.

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

I am disabled and I find these jokes appropriately hilarious.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

Q: What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler?

A: One got to finish a race.

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.