And jokes

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

1 like = 1 kid in my oven. I'm trying to get followers and comments, please.

What's the difference between my arm and my stomach? My stomach isn't ripped.

This chess game against America and England is getting interesting. First, America lost both of its towers, but now England has lost its queen.

Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Insomnia.

You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?

The fish can swim.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

What does an orgasm and a pulse have in common?

I don't care if she has either.

What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?

They both hang...

What do you get when you cross jokes and cum?

CUMedy.

What's the difference between an Afghan kindergarten and a military target?

The drone guy didn't know either.

A vampire goes to the bakery.

Vampire: "One bun, please."

Baker: "But you're a vampire, don't you need blood?"

Vampire: "Yes, there is an accident outside and I need something to dip."

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."

what's the difference between hitler and you?

one didn't keep posting on twitter about killing themselves.

Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."