And jokes

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you stick the cucumber.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.

When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?

Both their parents were separated.

What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"

The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."

The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."

A priest, a rapist, a pedophile, and a homosexual walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.

What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?

A baby in a blender.

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!

Grammar: It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”