And jokes

What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.

What looks like it has jaundice and is filled with stupidity?

A Mexican.

I pushed a dog into a fire and said, "Hot dog!"

I joined an emo class today. The first lesson I learned was slice and dice and let it flow.

A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.

What's wrong with airline food...! They're not black, and they're not people. hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahahXD!!!!!!!!! You're welcome?

Life as an elevator has its ups and downs.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.

What time is it when you get home, can you walk home and walk?

What's worse than having an honorary degree from Harvard? Being homeless and having an honorary degree from Harvard.

What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?

They are both twisted.

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

What has eight legs and doesn’t rape children?

The Jackson 4.

I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”

That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.

Shame on you Penaldo!

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.

Me: Hey, how are you?

Depression: I'm doing fine. We are just looking for a home :3

Insomnia: Mommy, can we get a home?

Anxiety: Insomnia, wait for mommy to finish.

Depression: Anyway, here is my resume!

Me: Okie, thank you. Ok... mhmmm... WOW! Okie, this is a nice resume! (Didn't Read it...)

Depression: Also, I have two more friends that want to move in too!

Me: Ok, and their names?

Depression: Their names are: PTSD and Trauma!

Me: Ok, they seem fine (Doesn't know about them)

Depression: Okie, here is the money (a penny :(). Thank you, we will call you if we need anything.

Me: Ok, see you soon! :3

Me now hates my life. :)