And jokes

I pushed a dog into a fire and said, "Hot dog!"

What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.

What looks like it has jaundice and is filled with stupidity?

A Mexican.

I joined an emo class today. The first lesson I learned was slice and dice and let it flow.

What has eight legs and doesn’t rape children?

The Jackson 4.

What’s the difference between broccoli and little girls?

I don’t like the taste of broccoli.

I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? An apple gets picked.

I went up to the blind kid and said, "Can you get that for me?" and he said, "I can't, I'm blind." And so I said, "I see."

What's the difference between me and a rope?

The rope doesn't hang from itself.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water. Jack fell down, his cock was out, and Jill gained a daughter.

What do a fat woman and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.

"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."

What does a depressed person and a jacket have in common?

They’re both hanging in the closet.

Call me a bad economy with high interest rates and low spending, 'cause I'm in a great depression.

A child is determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.

My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."