And jokes

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

What does a depressed person and a jacket have in common?

They’re both hanging in the closet.

Call me a bad economy with high interest rates and low spending, 'cause I'm in a great depression.

What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.

I did a knock knock joke to an orphan. I said, "Knock knock." He said, "Who is there?" And I said, "Not your parents."

What's the difference between a trampoline and a dead baby?

I take my boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

A child is determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

English: It's the story of two potatoes, one gets mashed and the other screams “Oh mash!”

French: C’est l’histoire de deux pommes de terre. Une d’elles se fait écraser et l’autre s’écrie “Oh purée!”

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? An apple gets picked.

What's the difference between dad jokes and bad jokes?

The letter b.

So, I took a poop outside. When I was done, I wiped and got it on my finger. After that, I had Nutella, and I thought the poop on my hand was Nutella, and I licked it. I said, "Daddy chill, what in the heck is this crap?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Two nuts were walking down the street, and one was a-salted!

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?

Cash and carry.

In India, 3 things are wide and far everywhere, but no one admits: racism, sexism, and Sunny's jism.

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

You’ll only need a single nail to hang the picture frame up.

When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"

What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

One actually finished a race.