And jokes

What does Earl Bradley and an Xbox have in common?

They both get turned on by children.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack had a shock and a mouth full of cock, and Jill's real name was Randy.

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.

I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."

I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"

A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"

The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.

Life as an elevator has its ups and downs.

What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?

They are both twisted.

I pushed a dog into a fire and said, "Hot dog!"

What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.

What looks like it has jaundice and is filled with stupidity?

A Mexican.

I joined an emo class today. The first lesson I learned was slice and dice and let it flow.

What has eight legs and doesn’t rape children?

The Jackson 4.

What’s the difference between broccoli and little girls?

I don’t like the taste of broccoli.

I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? An apple gets picked.

I went up to the blind kid and said, "Can you get that for me?" and he said, "I can't, I'm blind." And so I said, "I see."

What's the difference between me and a rope?

The rope doesn't hang from itself.