Alphabet Jokes

Q. When is your grandfather's bedtime?

A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Me: I'm afraid of random letters.

Therapist: You are?

Me: [screams]

Therapist: Oh, I see.

Me: [screaming intensifies]

What kind of streets do ghosts haunt?

Dead ends.

abcdefgjiowqdou;rwohieugrhiosrvhionovruohwu.

A B C D E F GUN.

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

"F" stand for family, that's why "orphan" is spelled with "ph."

What is half of nine?

"ni"

So, as a school shooter, I try to remember my ABC's. A, B, C, D, E, F, GUN!

And I basically stop at G, since no students ever speak to me about the rest.

W in Africa stands for water.

Why do orphans hate the letter FMD? Because F stands for "family," M stands for "mom," and D stands for "dad."

I was drinking a martini when a waitress yelled, "Do you know CPR?"

I replied, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed, well, except one person.

What are the sinful letters of the alphabet?

A, B, C you in hell.

Dang... if I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put D IN U ;)

I only know there are 25 letters in the alphabet, I don't know Y.

(Me: How many letters are in the alphabet?) -- (Friend: 11- T-H-E-- A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T)

(Me: There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right?) -- (Crush: No, there is actually 26.) -- (Me: oooOoh, I forgot u r a qt! So its acdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz?) -- (Crush: You forgot the D) -- (Me: That's not needed yet ;])

What letter is really hot? T

C = cOCK O = CoCK C = COcK K = COCk COCK = cock cock = COCK

ME SExUAL SRrY LoL

A B C D E F G H I see a bitch in front of me.

Your forehead is so big we could fit the whole alphabet on there.

Why is "T" well-respected, but more in its lowercase form?

It crossed the line with Jesus.

If the longest word in history is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, then it's big cousin would [be] something longer, right?

Nope, something way longer:

BEHO-methionyl​threonyl​threonyl​glutaminyl​alanyl​prolyl​threonyl​phenyl​alanyl​threonyl​glutaminyl​prolyl​leucyl​glutaminyl​seryl​valyl​valyl​valyl​leucyl​glutamyl​glycyl​seryl​threonyl​alanyl​threonyl​phenyl​alanyl​glutamyl​alanyl​histidyl​isoleucyl​seryl​glycyl​phenyl​alanyl​prolyl​valyl​prolyl​glutamyl​valyl​seryl​tryptophyl​phenyl​alanyl​arginyl​aspartyl​glycyl​glutaminyl​valyl​isoleucyl​seryl​threonyl​seryl​threonyl​leucyl​prolyl​glycyl​valyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​seryl​phenyl​alanyl​seryl​aspartyl​glycyl​arginyl​alanyl​lysyl​leucyl​threonyl​isoleucyl​prolyl​alanyl​valyl​threonyl​lysyl​alanyl​asparaginyl​seryl​glycyl​arginyl​tyrosyl​seryl​leucyl​lysyl​alanyl​threonyl​asparaginyl​glycyl​seryl​glycyl​glutaminyl​alanyl​threonyl​seryl​threonyl​alanyl​glutamyl​leucyl​leucyl​valyl​lysyl​alanyl​glutamyl​threonyl​alanyl​prolyl​prolyl​asparaginyl​phenyl​alanyl​valyl​glutaminyl​arginyl​leucyl​glutaminyl​seryl​methionyl​threonyl​valyl​arginyl​glutaminyl​glycyl​seryl​glutaminyl​valyl​arginyl​leucyl​glutaminyl​valyl​arginyl​valyl​threonyl​glycyl​isoleucyl​prolyl​asparaginyl​prolyl​valyl​valyl​lysyl​phenyl​alanyl​tyrosyl​arginyl​aspartyl​glycyl​alanyl​glutamyl​isoleucyl​glutaminyl​seryl​seryl​leucyl​aspartyl​phenyl​alanyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​seryl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​glycyl​aspartyl​leucyl​tyrosyl​seryl​leucyl​leucyl​isoleucyl​alanyl​glutamyl​alanyl​tyrosyl​prolyl​glutamyl​aspartyl​seryl​glycyl​threonyl​tyrosyl​seryl​valyl​asparaginyl​alanyl​threonyl​asparaginyl​seryl​valyl​glycyl​arginyl​alanyl​threonyl​seryl​threonyl​alanyl​glutamyl​leucyl​leucyl​valyl​glutaminyl​glycyl​glutamyl​glutamyl​glutamyl​valyl​prolyl​alanyl​lysyl​lysyl​threonyl​lysyl​threonyl​isoleucyl​valyl​seryl​threonyl​alanyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​seryl​glutamyl​seryl​arginyl​glutaminyl​threonyl​arginyl​isoleucyl​glutamyl​lysyl​lysyl​isoleucyl​glutamyl​alanyl​histidyl​phenyl​alanyl​aspartyl​alanyl​arginyl​seryl​isoleucyl​alanyl​threonyl​valyl​glutamyl​methionyl​valyl​isoleucyl​aspartyl​glycyl​alanyl​alanyl​glycyl​glutaminyl​glutaminyl​leucyl​prolyl​histidyl​lysyl​threonyl​prolyl​prolyl​arginyl​isoleucyl​prolyl​prolyl​lysyl​prolyl​lysyl​seryl​arginyl​seryl​prolyl​threonyl​prolyl​prolyl​seryl​isoleucyl​alanyl​alanyl​lysyl​alanyl​glutaminyl​leucyl​alanyl​arginyl​glutaminyl​glutaminyl​seryl​prolyl​seryl​prolyl​isoleucyl​arginyl​histidyl​seryl​prolyl​seryl​prolyl​valyl​arginyl​histidyl​valyl​arginyl​alanyl​prolyl​threonyl​prolyl​seryl​prolyl​valyl​arginyl​seryl​valyl​seryl​prolyl​alanyl​alanyl​arginyl​isoleucyl​seryl​threonyl​seryl​prolyl​isoleucyl​arginyl​seryl​valyl​arginyl​seryl​prolyl​leucyl​leucyl​methionyl​arginyl​lysyl​threonyl​glutaminyl​alanyl​seryl​threonyl​valyl​alanyl​threonyl​glycyl​prolyl​glutamyl​valyl​prolyl​prolyl​prolyl​tryptophyl​lysyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​glycyl​tyrosyl​valyl​alanyl​seryl​seryl​seryl​glutamyl​alanyl​glutamyl​methionyl​arginyl​glutamyl​threonyl​threonyl​leucyl​threonyl​threonyl​seryl​threonyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​arginyl​threonyl​glutamyl​glutamyl​arginyl​tryptophyl​glutamyl​glycyl​arginyl​tyrosyl​glycyl​valyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​valyl​threonyl​isoleucyl​seryl​glycyl​alanyl​alanyl​glycyl​alanyl​alanyl​alanyl​seryl​valyl​seryl​alanyl​seryl​alanyl​seryl​tyrosyl​alanyl​alanyl​glutamyl​alanyl​valyl​alanyl​threonyl​glycyl​alanyl​lysyl​glutamyl​valyl​lysyl​glutaminyl​aspartyl​alanyl​aspartyl​lysyl​seryl​alanyl​alanyl​valyl​alanyl​threonyl​valyl​valyl​alanyl​alanyl​valyl​aspartyl​methionyl​alanyl​arginyl​valyl​arginyl​glutamyl​prolyl​valyl​isoleucyl​seryl​alanyl​valyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​threonyl​alanyl​glutaminyl​arginyl​threonyl​threonyl​threonyl​threonyl​alanyl​valyl​histidyl​isoleucyl​glutaminyl​prolyl​alanyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​valyl​arginyl​lysyl​glutamyl​alanyl​glutamyl​lysyl​threonyl​alanyl​valyl​threonyl​lysyl​valyl​valyl​valyl​alanyl​alanyl​aspartyl​lysyl​alanyl​lysyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​leucyl​lysyl​seryl​arginyl​threonyl​lysyl​glutamyl​isoleucyl​isoleucyl​threonyl​threonyl​lysyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​methionyl​histidyl​valyl​threonyl​histidyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​arginyl​lysyl​glutamyl​threonyl​glutamyl​lysyl​threonyl​phenyl​alanyl​valyl​prolyl​lysyl​valyl​valyl​isoleucyl​seryl​alanyl​alanyl​lysyl​alanyl​lysyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​threonyl​arginyl​isoleucyl​seryl​glutamyl​glutamyl​isoleucyl​threonyl​lysyl​lysyl​glutaminyl​lysyl​glutaminyl​valyl​threonyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​alanyl​isoleucyl​methionyl​lysyl​glutamyl​threonyl​arginyl​lysyl​threonyl​valyl​valyl​prolyl​lysyl​valyl​isoleucyl​valyl​alanyl​threonyl​prolyl​lysyl​valyl​lysyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​aspartyl​leucyl​valyl​seryl​arginyl​glycyl​arginyl​glutamyl​glycyl​isoleucyl​threonyl​threonyl​lysyl​arginyl​glutamyl​glutaminyl​valyl​glutaminyl​isoleucyl​threonyl​glutaminyl​glutamyl​lysyl​methionyl​arginyl​lysyl​glutamyl​alanyl​glutamyl​lysyl​threon

Depressed should be spelled "depraseed" because then they would be 1, 2, 5, 9.

A kindergarten class is learning about the alphabet. The teacher asked, "What comes after M?"

Little Timmy reached into his backpack and yelled, "16!"