Aed jokes
I'll give you an A because you're awesome.
B because you're beautiful.
A C because you're caring.
And I'll give you this D cuz you deserve it.
Why did the robber take a shower before his robbery?
So he could make a clean getaway!
Julie: What's the difference between a chimp and a pizza?
John: I don't know.
Julie: Remind me not to send you to the store...
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"
What hairstyle do horses like best while reading a story?
Pony-tails.
How do you spot a cow?
With a bingo dabber.
You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
You know how to draw a horse? If not, look in a mirror and draw what you see.
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
How do you trap a shape? You use a trapezoid.
What did the frog order?
A diet Croak!
I used to have a phobia of pogo sticks. Those things always made me jump.
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.
And Sterling has taken a dive.
That's all for financial news, back to the football.
I would like to tell you the name of a song I showed to my friend who had an overdose of LSD.
I see a dreamer.
I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"
And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"
A Chelsea fan called Timo Werner on his phone to encourage him during his bad form. Timo Werner still missed all the calls.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
Because he was trying to catch a boomerang.
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when all of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "Paddy, is it dark down there?"
Paddy shouts up, "Dunno Murphy, I crnt see a fecking thing!"