Aed jokes

If you give this a thumbs down, you're gay. If you give it a thumbs up, you're straight.

Why did the actor fall through the floor?

He was just going through a stage!

My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...

The view is so much better without those twins covering the city.

Well, that was a blow up!

As tragic as school shootings are, it's also a quick way to a late-term abortion.

Your mom uses the equator as a belt.

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

How do fuck a really fat chick?

Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.

It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.

If a man travels 14 miles to buy a loaf of bread, how long will it take for him to realise that living in the countryside is shit?

Q: Why do orphans get on Facebook?

A: Because they get liked.

For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.

Girlfriend's ex: Why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

I would tell you a science joke, but I know I won't get a reaction.

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

Why did the cow smell?

'Cause the horse gave it a pat on the back.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch some pail of water.

Jack came down, and then Jill came tumbling after, so they had a baby...

Kurt Cobain's last job was a blow job. He blew his head clean off.