Aed jokes

I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."

Broccoli says, "I look like a tree."

Walnut says, "I look like a brain."

Cashew says, "I look like a kidney."

Banana says, "Can we change the topic please?"

God creating bees.

God: "Put a needle on their butt."

Angel: "Come on, God, wha-"

God: "Make its puke delicious."

Angel: "WTF"

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get fat.

What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?

He got inked up.

what's black and red and is a liquid?

my scars!

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.

We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.

In some places in the world, you can't get an abortion even after rape. That's so fucked up.

You serve your time, you get out, and you STILL have to pay child support. What a nightmare.

What do you call a roach in milk?

A roach con leche. 😂

A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.

"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."

The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."

The End

i raped a dog. When asked how her experience was, she said ruff

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.