Aed jokes
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.
"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."
The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."
The End
Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.
i raped a dog. When asked how her experience was, she said ruff
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.
I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.
We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.
So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
What's a good way to masturbate?
Get somebody to do it for you.
Yo mama's feet are so fat, she had to wear a sock on each toe.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
What's an alien's favorite computer key?
The space bar!
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
Age is just a number,
Jail is just a room.
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?
Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
If there is a hair, the meat is ruined.
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.