Aed jokes

A bullet is like an arrow.

Nothing can stop it from going through your head.

Astrophysics fact: If you count every star on a Saturday night, you're autistic.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

"Uh daddy harder," the orphan said. Oh wait, he doesn’t have a daddy.

A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"

Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."

What did Ronnie have at Taco Bell?

A mind-blowing bean burrito.

Orphan

Girl: How much do you love me?

Me: Count the stars in the sky.

Girl: Aww, it's infinite!

Me: No, just a waste of time.

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

Tesco's slogan is "Every little helps."

Well, their bag did a wonderful job on suffocating my wife.

Don't you find it ironic that Kobe Bryant bounced his helicopter off the ground like a basketball?

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!

What has 2 wheels and screams? A disabled [person] I dropkicked down the stairs.

My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!

What has 15 arms, 9 legs, 8 heads, and 12 eyeballs?

A mosque after a missile strike.

Do you want to hear a dark joke? Let me turn the lights off.

As a kid, I used to eat a sour herb from a certain spot near a rock.

Now I pee on it, just following the ritual of Africa.

A teacher walked up to me and said, "How did we get butt cracks?"

I was like 4, so I said, "You had an earthquake on your booty."

Bootylicious lol