Aed jokes
"Among Us" is basically a game about betrayal.
Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.
My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.
A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Why do orphans die when a tornado comes?
They don't have parents to protect them.
What's white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
Why did little Suzy fall off the swing? She got hit by an axe.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.
Wait, there aren't any road bumps.
O h s h i t.
What is one question on a tech test you should always ask before getting down?
What in the Robot!?
When you lock the door, but you realize it's a pull open door!
My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
Why did the people get a chicken?
To make eggs.
Why did the cats go in the litterbox?? To take a poop!
I know a good airplane joke, but it would probably go over your heads.
The twin towers: No, it won't.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
I went to self-checkout at a store and I scanned my products, but the scanner wouldn't scan the barcode on my arm.