Aed jokes
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
How many Tottenham players does it take to win a trophy? It doesn't matter how hard they try, they still can't win one anyway.
How do you start a rave in Africa? Stick a pizza onto the ceiling.
Husband: My wife and I went to the beach today.
Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit.
Husband: The second we entered the beach,
Pedestrians: "TSUNAMI! TSUNAMI!"
How does a train sneeze?
It goes, "A-choo choo!"
Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
I don't know, but it's coming for the towers.
What's the difference between a puppy and an orphan?
Puppies get adopted.
Q. Why didn't Tracy Latimer enjoy her trip to Vancouver?
A. She had to go to GasTown.
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Waitress: What can I get for you?
Me: I'll have a steak.
Waitress: How would you like it?
Me: Immediately!
My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
What do you call a sad rabbit? Unhoppy.
Why isn't there a sad sunglasses emoji? To show that I am happy but I'm still cool.
What does a pedophile call an orphanage?
A supermarket.
Why did the orphan stop playing baseball?
Because baseball has a home, and an orphan does not.
Laugh now.
What is the difference between Clash Royale and the Twin Towers?
Clash Royale still has a tower.
Yo mama is so stupid, she thought Instagram was a weed delivery service.
Your hairline so far back, it's a wide receiver for the Minnesota Vikings.
The first time you have to do a full body workout in chess.
Why [doesn't] Hollywood make a good movie about holocausts?
Because it's so hard to skin Jewish characters.