Aed jokes

Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.

Riddle me this, Batman, what's long, round, and has cum in the middle?

Batman: A dick.

Riddler: NO NO NOOO! It's a cucumber!

I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?

Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!

What does a French guy say when he falls off?

Oh no, Eiffel!

What do you call a man with no arms or legs being pulled by a boat?

Skip.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

They don’t want to be mistaken for a feminist.

How do Americans learn the metric system?

9mm at a time. The problem is sometimes it goes straight through their heads.

Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies?

Everywhere.

Why did the man miss the funeral?

He wasn’t a mourning person.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

New business idea: let's put a KFC in Africa and a watermelon shop.

What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato?

About 140 calories.

How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?

Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.

What’s the difference between a fetus and a jar of pickles?

The pickles aren’t as tasty in a jar.

I dated a girl, and I didn’t know she was previously in an abusive relationship.

I thought she just REALLY hated high-fives.

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushion.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

Which school supply is king of the classroom? A ruler.