Aed jokes
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Chuck Norris and Superman had a bet. The loser had to wear their underwear on their pants.
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.
Why was the sea so friendly? Because it gave a little wave.
According to all known laws of aviation, a bee should not be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground, but of course, bees fly anyway because bees don't care about what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black.
Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? He thought they were a delivery service.
I was going to make a joke about a piece of paper.
It's just too tear-able.
Once upon a time... Chuck Norris stepped on a Lego. R.I.P. the Lego piece.
At night I became a mattress murderer.
What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same!
This isn't a joke.
What do you call a two-dimensional owl? A Paper Towl!
What do you call Mexicans running down a hill?
Sandstorm.
What's better than a meme? A really good Vine.
Q: Why did Sally survive the car accident?
A: She hit an ambulance.
Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."
The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.
What do you call a Navajo with a lot of cash?
Johnny Cash.