Aed jokes
You know why I don't buy Velcro items anymore?
They are a total rip off.
What happened when the teacher tied all the students' shoe laces together?
They took a class trip.
You’re so lame, you don’t have a superpower!
"Yah, I do!"
Oh yeah? What is it?
"My diaphragm contracts and moves downwards into my chest cavity and my lungs expand!"
That’s breathing, Jim.
"NO IT’S NOT, JACOB, YOU CAN’T PROVE IT!"
What do you say when a Spanish person loses a car?
Carlos.
What's worse than 1000 dead babies hanging off a tree?
1 dead baby hanging off 1000 trees.
I watched a movie about bones. It was spine-tingling!
What does a baby banana call her mum? Na na, get it? Instead of ma ma.
Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.
Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."
When two wheelchairs hit each other, is it a fender bender?
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
I can only fit three fingers inside the bowling ball.
What do you call a PEIS?
Why did the pony have to gargle? Maybe because he was feeling a little hoarse.
When Lexa took Clarke out on a date, she walked past the candle shop, and she bought all the candles. After the date, they went back to the Heda's (Commander's) Tower, which is basically a huge candle. "All I wanna do is Candle you!"
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. There's usually 90 degrees.
There are 30 cows in a field, 28 chickens. How many didn't?
A - 10
Two nuns were sitting on a bench. A flasher flashed them, and one of the nuns had a stroke... but the other one was too far away :)
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.