Aed jokes
She later made me a sandwich, and she cut the crust off it.
I gave her a lift back to her crib because her car wouldn’t start.
Public speaking is a more popular fear than snakes, and you don't see anyone walking in Australia and shout, "Look out! A podium!"
A girl named Ranch went to the store and stayed there. Why? Because she was ranched!
What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?
Oh wait, I am because she's 10.
What happened when the 400+ women ate a slice of cake?
She died the next weekend.
My owl turned 180 today.
He isn’t old, he just has a bad neck.
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
What did Nicki Minaj say when she sat next to a bomb?
"Bang bang right through the roof. Bang bang all over you."
Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"
What is the difference between a small child and a watermelon?
One I eat on the daily and the other is a watermelon.
How did Sally get a free trip to Hawaii? She washed up on shore.
What's the worst part of a Down Syndrome relationship? There's more downs than ups!
Going in a military.
The last thing I heard from them is: "Goodbye!"
Why did the roster cross the road twice?
To prove it was not a chicken.
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
I just got a text on my cell. Bone be right back ;)
A monk asks the priest if it's okay to kiss a nun.
The priest replies, "Just as long as you don't get in the habit!"
There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
Hey, I asked for a paper, but I thought it was a cut, but it turns out it was tearable.