What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?
Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.
My father can take a joke because he made one.
What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?
Paul Walker’s Porsche.
My dad died in 9/11. He was such a good pilot.
So one time I was looking up the definition of "accident" because I was a little dumbo and didn’t know what it meant. Then my sister walks up behind me and points at the word and says, “That’s you!” (meaning that I was an accident).
A few minutes later, we had a big family meeting and my dad said to my sister, “Sweetie, you were an accident. We didn’t mean to make you, but we still love you with everything we’ve got.”
My sister never talked to me again and left the house. She was 17 when she left. Seriously, 17-year-olds just never mature, huh?
Nobody:
Titanic: sYnCccCc
Iceberg: yAaaYeEee
People: yAaanOooO
Ocean: fUuudD
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. They argued on what the tracks came from. One of them said, "it's a deer." The other said, "No it's a coyote." The last one was going to give her thoughts, but that was when the train hit them.
Boy: Crap, I hit a deer.
Girl: Awe... I guess it’s not so much of a dear.
Boy: ...
Boy: Get the hell out!
A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."
How fast did Little Sally paint the barn red?
As soon as the bomb exploded on her.
Fletcher is not a lesbian. He is also not an Asian. He is also definitely not an accident.
Why can't antelopes get married?
Because they can't elope.
I like the iceberg... my favorite character was the iceberg!
While I was walking on the road, a cat crossed my road, and 5 min later I found it fell in the gutter.
Why did the golfer change his pants? In case he got a hole in one!
So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
They're both accidents.
How do you get chewing gum out of a child's hair? Cancer.
Did you know that the Royal family like carnivals?
Princess Diana was really fond of bumper cars.
