Worst Jokes Ever
Joke time!
Now, Heaven or Hell?
Heaven: we got clouds.
Hell: we got a frickin' private yacht!
A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"
"Six pounds."
"And shaving?"
"Three pounds."
"Good, then shave my head."
My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!
Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!
Why do they call matches, matches?
They all look the same.
What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
You’ll only need a single nail to hang the picture frame up.
Dear NASA, your mom thought I was big enough.
–Pluto.
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"
The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."
"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?
Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”
He replied, “Yes, I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.
EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.
WebMD: Cancer.
There are 3 Genders.
1: Man
2: Woman
3: Mentally ill.
What animal has 5 legs?
A pitbull on a children's playground.
What is the difference between a terrorist and a prostitute?
The prostitute can blow you more than once.
How do you get a blonde to drown?
Stick a mirror at the bottom of a pool.
I rub lipstick on my forehead to make up my mind.
What do you call a special needs army?
The special forces.
What do orphans do at parent teacher meetings?
What happens when the orphan at school gets sent home?
What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?
You end up doing all the work.
Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
Why did the blonde stare at the Ford?
Because it said, "Focus."