Worst Jokes Ever

The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.

I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.

We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.

Wanna hear some famous last words?

"We are just experiencing some turbulence."

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?

They never get old.

What happened to the terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

He burnt himself on the exhaust pipe.

I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.

What was the last thing that went through JFK's mind? A bullet.

*funny joke about dicks*

I'm fucking retarded.

What's a rapist's favorite scale?

C Minor.

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? One cuts them off and one sucks them off.

My favorite sex position is the JFK:

I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.

The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.

The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?

Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

The Columbine High School basketball team hasn't been the same since they lost their two best shooters.