Worst Jokes Ever
(pre-election 2016) Trump Hating Comedian at seedy East L.A. comedy club -
"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump... what the fuck up with that dude, man?
"Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas!)
. . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for bein' fucked up, for instance ....
STUMP: TEENY DICK
BUMP: TINY TIT
GUMP: DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY
MUMP: A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE
LUMP: IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED
UMP: OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS
RUMP: AN ASS
DUMP: A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS
HUMP: SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD
PUMP: SEE "HUMP"
. . . and last, but definitely not least --
JUMP: JUMP INTO A DEEP VAT 'O SCAT MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL BITCH!! ....
HA! HA! HA! HA! YESSS!!
.... well boys and girls, that's gonna be about it for me, as I think my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a big turn for the worse!"
......(splort!, plop!, drip!)........ OOOOPS! 'snif, snif'........
..... ewwwwww!!
(audience growing uneasy and unruly)
"Fuhhk! ... I better go now, 'cause I just went! ... ha! ha! ha! ...... Yikes!!
GOOD NIGHT LAZIES, AND GERBILMEN! PLEASE DRIVE RECKLESSLY!
(curtain drops)
(continuous laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants peeing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', fists fuckin', guns poppin', blood pumpin')
"OH LORDY!!... I THINK HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH,
... AND ARMAGITTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE!!"
(one very quick curtain call, and swiftly out the back door to an awaiting taxi ............ with ALL the windows rolled down) Whew! ............ Amen.
Sam Ryan, more like Sam Reddit!
What do you call a magic car that I can do to help me out for you and I will be doing a great day?
Nobody:
Titanic: sYnCccCc
Iceberg: yAaaYeEee
People: yAaanOooO
Ocean: fUuudD
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They can never find home.
What’s the hardest part to eat on a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
Today I asked my sis to take out the trash, and I shoved her outside!
Why did the carrots laugh?
They saw Mrs. Green Pea over the fence.
"I will Always Love You!"
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they have no home.
Why can't an orphan have sex?
Because they can't call them "daddy."
Do you like Wendy’s?
Yeah, Wendy’s nuts finna go in your mouth!
Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.
Friend: What kind?
Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.
Friend: That's not funny..
Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.
Friend: I'm calling your mom.
Me: She knows.
Friend: What's she doing to help, then?
Me: She's supposed to help?
Friend: Have you told your dad?
Me: I will when he comes back.
Friend: Where is he?
Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.
Friend: ....
Me: What?
Friend: Why?
Me: Why what?
Friend: Why would you joke like that?
Me: I was joking..
Friend: I know.
Me: Oh. I didn't know.
Friend:...
Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...
What music scares balloons?
Pop music.
Why would the banana scream "ouch?"
Because it is getting peeled.
What is Stephen Hawking's mum?
Your mum!
Think about you are so fucking high that you are walking to a lift and inside the lift are stairs. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Test.
What did Columbus use to cross the ocean?
He used a bus.