Yours jokes

My life is so sad it's because you're in it.

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

Control tower to Boeing 747, you're clear to land on (said person)'s forehead.

The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.

Teacher: "I'll call your mother."

Orphan: "Go on, see if she picks up."

Do you know Mike Hawk? No, who is he? Mike Hawk in your MOUTH!

New Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: Damn.

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents!

I asked, "Where are your parents?" and oh god, I love working at an orphanage.

A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the check.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

You take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.

You're so slow, the sped kid is your tutor.

Dad: We are giving your toys to the orphanage.

Kid: Why?

Dad: So you won't get bored.

Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:

11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.

Your forehead is so big, it's a $20 taxi ride from your hairline to your eyebrows.

You're the type of person to play "Girl on Fire" during a funeral.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Hit your wife harder.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).