Yours jokes
Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.
Even the Twin Towers got a better upgrade than your ugly ass.
If your wife has boxes and boxes ending up at your front door from her online shopping habit, tell her that you’ve only had one box through the marriage and that she should be happy.
Your Mama so fat, when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed but the sidewalk cracked up.
I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"
You dropped your toilet paper, right? You want to pick it up, but you can't because you have poop in your butt and it scwoshd! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Is your oven running?
Then you better go catch it!
Your hairline is so far back that when I put on my glasses, I thought I saw an "M" for McDonald's on your hairline.
Your mom is so fat that when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed, but the sidewalk cracked up.
Teacher: Tim, where are your parents? It's been 15 minutes!
Tim (Orphan): Yeah um, they can't come.
Teacher: Why not?
Tim: They're too busy working in heaven.
Your sister: You're so ugly.
Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
"Hi Koko, you said we met a few years ago. What is your real name? Lol."
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Coming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry? - Adam?
- Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.
So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂
A man walks into a doctor's office, naked and wrapped in Glad Wrap.
The doctor replies with: "I can clearly see your nuts."
So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"
Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"
Roses are red,
I am dead.
You could call me wet, or I will keep your dread.
What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.
Why are we depressed? Is it because of that bully in your school, or because you have acne? How about when you listen to your sad song playlist? Maybe it's because you have no friends? Or is it the fact your anime girlfriend is fake? T^T