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You're jokes

Gift

    • Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.

    "I built a big house for our mum," said the first.

    "I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.

    And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."

    A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,

    "The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."

    To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."

    To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"

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    • Post

    • The other day I commented a dark humor joke on a post about a guy who lost his best friend. The joke was “I was so drunk last night I threw a mushroom at a midget and said ‘grow mario grow.’” He commented “What the hell is wrong with you?” and I said “IKR I really gotta work on my alcoholic issues.”

    He then replied “This is a post about my dead best friend get the fuck off my feed I don’t even know you.” And so I said “Well then get to know me, I could become your new best friend!”

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    • Superman

    • A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

    The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

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    • You're memes

    Kid

    • I see a kid crying in the park, right? So I go up to him and say, "Hey, where are your parents?" and he says, "Well, my dad left to get the milk and never came back, and my mother died in a plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle."

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    • Mental Illness

    • My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

    When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

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    • Insult

    • My crush's best friend came up to me and called me my crush's dog 🐕, so then I say, "Wow, you're an ass for calling me a bitch." He then looks at me wide-eyed, and I just walk away.