You're jokes

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

Your hairline is so far back that not even God knows about it.

@ the N-word of your dreams, why you not say nun on the fuckin community? You should talk on ther my g.

Are you sure your father isn't a thief?

Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

If your eyes were the sea, I would drown in them.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Imagine there's a funny joke here... imagined it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you're schizophrenic.

I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.

I am your leader.

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.

Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

Roses are red, Violets are fine. Why is your life So much better than mine?

Knock, knock.

(Who’s there?)

It’s the police, ma’am, your son got hit by a drunken driver. He’s dead.

Your mama's like a cardboard box: open to the public and easy to nail.

Your momma is so old she has been a waitress at the last supper.

Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.

Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!