You're jokes
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.
I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."
Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"
Your mum is so smart, but she still can’t figure out why she had you.
You're a joke!
Why do you have to watch your back at NASA? They want to probe Uranus.
I heard an Uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like $40.
Wife: "Hi honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not...."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating, and I said to her, "You're starting to sound like my wife."
Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.
Student: OOFT.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.
Remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
Best part about being an orphan?
Not spending 1h30 at the table every night with your dad yelling, "What's 2*3?!!" And you crying, "I don't know!!!"
Are you depression? 'Cause you're always on my mind~
One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"
Your mum isn't home.
Husband: Honey, do you want sex?
Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Mmmmm.
Husband: Are you sure?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: No doubts?
Wife: No.
Husband staring a long time at his wife.
Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.
What did Pluto say to Saturn while barbecuing steaks?
"Mine is meatier than yours."
Your mom is so fat that she broke your crush!
Knock, knock!
"Is that daddy?"
No, but I'm about to be, so get on your knees!
Is your name ooOOo? Because my name is lalala.
oOO laLA!
What's the difference between Axne and a priest??
One waits till you're 13 to come on your face.