You jokes

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"

Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."

The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."

The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"

"Muffin Man, Muffin Man, he's gonna rape you in his van."

If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

What do you call a school bus with 30 kids?

A killstreak.

Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey And belong in a zoo.

Do not worry, I will be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you.

Yo momma's so gay, you sucked her balls.

What do you say when going for a dunk in basketball?

"Kobe crash!"

What do you call a Pokémon that wants to be a police officer?

Magic-cop!

How do you keep a blind kid entertained?

You take him to a stadium crowd, then give him a bat and tell him to hit the piñata.

What do you call one baby in ten trashcans?

Chopped Junior!

Your mom wants to tell you that you're adopted, but you were an orphan.

What's the difference between a dog and a foster child?

A dog doesn't run to the police after you beat it.

You're so skinny you never gain weight. You're so skinny you're a thin stick.

Friend: You are joking.

Me: Joking on deez nuts.

Mom, what happens if you swear at a church?

Well, honey, a tee posing nun with glowing red eyes and nunchucks will beat you.

What do you call a strong, independent girl in Haryana?

Dead.

Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.

Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.

That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )

What do you call a black astronaut? A black astronaut, you racist.

What do you call a lying Mexican?

Pinocchico.