You jokes

What do you need an apple because you got an "izzy?"

How do you stop a school shooter from killing you?

Tell him you don’t believe in dog.

What did the glove say to his girlfriend?

I glove you!

What is one question on a tech test you should always ask before getting down?

What in the Robot!?

Once in 4th grade, right now, I told a random tree, "Hey, my day is bad right now, can we hang later?"

The tree said: "Yeah, we are going to be hanging every day :) !!! If you can last :)"

Your momma's so fat, when I went to suck her tit, I got a mouthful of knee.

Your momma's so fat, she farted in bed and blew the covers off.

How do you get an emo out of the tree?

You cut the rope.

What do you give a sick lemon?

A lemon-aid.

"Can I throw you away? You look like my trash can. Oh, wait, you *are* my trash can."

I hope you never find out whether that pressure in your ass is a fart or a shit.

I hope you have to pull hard on a candy wrapper only for the bag to pop and have the candy fall on the floor.

I was bullying a little kid for having a purple eye and said, "Where'd you get that? Your mom? Your dad?"

After that, everyone in my group was laughing at the kid. The next day I never saw him again.

Bully: My d*ck is longer than your password. Me: I don't have a password. So you *won't* have a d*ck after I tear it off you.

The police: Pull over!

The kid: Do you know who my dad is?

The police: What, your mom did not tell you?

The bully: You're gay.

The nerd: I am.

The bully: Yeah.

The nerd: Then what are you?

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.

If you have a bad day, just think there are at least 15 people who care about you.

Knock knock.

Fuck you!

You're so ugly, Hello Kitty said goodbye.