What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?
I wanna sock you in the eye so bad!
You Jokes
Q: I'm a famous athlete and I've got a lot of fans.
A: Is that why I never see you sweat?
What do you call me?
Chinese?
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?
What would you name a mummified squirrel?
Perhaps... Mumford?
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
Son: Mom, can I get $100 for a week?
Mom: Why do you need $100 for a week?
Son: I'm going on a date, and I need $100 for a week, please.
Mom: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Go on your date now. You got $1, so go.
Son: And you got $0.00.
Dad: Come on, David, go dress up like a girl.
David: Isn't that illegal?
Dad: Nah, it isn't illegal if you keep the buttons in.
David: I hate my life.
How do you create the world's quickest human pyramid?
Turn on the gas chamber.
Teacher: "Okay, so how are you going?"
Student: "I'm not going."
Teacher: "Oh, so you're a wheelchair person?"
What do you call a calf that is in no way brave?
A coward.
What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?
"I'm totally dogging it today..."
Why does no one look up at Steven Hawking?
You have to look down to see him.
A blonde walks in and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde asks, "That's it, how'd you know I was a blonde?"
The seller replies, "Because that's a microwave."
People named Aaron are annoying. Why have two A’s when you can have none? (Ron)
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
Son: Hey, Dad, I'm cold. Can you give me a lift from work?
Dad: Hi Cold, nice to meet you. Sorry, I don't pick up strangers.
Son: I hate you!
