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I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

I was bullying an orphan, then I said, "What, you gonna run home and cry to your mom?"

A girl walks in the room. She asks her mom, "Why's my name Flower?" Her mom said, "When you were born, a flower fell on your head." Brick walks in the room. Jasvidnqzkdvsosbd.

Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."

What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

The ocean will kill you to death expensively if you're on Titanic. Buying the tickets was a waste of money.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.

Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.

Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

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    • If I have ligma and you have ligma, how about you ligma balls? 😏 (It’s all about how you pronounce the end.)

    Robin Williams' death was the most horrible impression ever given. (RIP Robin Williams, you will be missed!)