You jokes
You pecan do it!
You must be rich! You've got all the cashews.
Cashew, see, I'm nuts about you!?
I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.
I want an almond-flavored biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am!
I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it a la mode.
Can I ask you a question? Nut now!
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Walnut. Walnut who? I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io!
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Butter. Butter who? I butter not tell you.
So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.