You jokes
The best way to tell someone that you don't like them is by texting them "370HSSV 0773H" and tell them to read it upside down.
BF: Babe, I have two questions.
GF: Ok, ask!
BF: Where have you been all my life?
GF: Aww, that's so sweet. And the second question?
BF: Can you please go back there?
GF: What do you think of our love?
BF: Count the stars in the sky.
GF: Aww... It's infinity!
BF: Nope. It's just a waste of time.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
If you drop something, make your short friend get it.
First date be like:
Me: "I work with animals every day."
Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"
Me: "I'm a butcher."
Feminists think men hate them. MEN HATE FEMINIST KARENS. We already have equal rights. It wasn't always like that, but that was in the past. So, fuck feminists.
(Like if you hate feminists.)
How do you get an emo kid out of a tree? Cut the rope.
Your mom's a whore, and so are you!
What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?
Boi Ling.
What do you call a train full of gum?
A chew chew train.
Me at an orphanage: I need to talk.
Orphan: My parents!
Me: You know that word?
Q: What do you call an owner that can't take care of their cat? A: A impurrefect owner.
One time you walked up to a mirror, but it’s shattered because of your reflection.
Roses are red, violets are blue, gum makes me beautiful, but what happened to you?
Q: What do you call a cat living with a vet? A: A dead, shrivelled up cat on her death bed that is attached to their owner.
Isn't It Purrfect!
Why are orphans so sad?
Because every time they swallow, they think... "You should have Mom."
The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents, buddy."
What do you call a woman who aborted her quadruplets? A graveyard.
What did one tower say to the other? "Damn, you looking fly!"