You jokes

Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.

Hey baba girl, I have balls, you know.

You know boys have balls. Girls have balls, too.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

Ex-bf's gf: You're so ugly as hell.

Me: Oh, did I mention that I was trying to be you?

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Anything you want; it won't chase you.

Stranger: Tries to kidnap a kid.

Kid: Runs home.

A few minutes later, the kid was in the back of the van...

If you know, you know.

So you're saying a penny is worth more than a penny?

That don't make no cents.

What do you tell someone who has depression?

Answer: Just hang in there.

I was playing a tennis match against a girl and said, "I will fuck you up." She said, "Try me." So that's exactly what I did, and I won by forfeit as she ended up running away crying.

You know that I drink water, right? I drink water because I am water. Water is water.

What do you call someone with no legs?

Disabled.

Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.

Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.

Me: How do you know that?

"Me lava you sooo much, cutie cake. I know I'm so so so cuteee. Lava you girl... ummmma ummmaaa. I know where you liveee kutty."

Like if you are emo.

Like if you are gay.

Do you know what it takes to beat cancer?

Heartbeat.

Why did your parents abandon you?

Because the first thing you dad said to be was; "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WIFE."

Did you hear about the emo kid who auditioned for the school play?

He made the cut.

You are so skinny that they won't let you ride a fucking roller coaster because you flew before.