One time a kid came to the hospital and said, "I really need help." The kid said he was really hot, so they put an ice cold towel on him.
Then the doctor asked him if he had any problems, and he said, "Yes, I am really hot." The doctor realized that he looked fine, so he said, "Are you sure? You look amazing." And the kid said that he meant to say, "I look hot!"
Hey... you kind of a sussy baka 😍😍🥵🥺🥰
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm, and I asked her what she was doing. She answered, "Oh, I had to buy you so I don't steal you."
Were you born on a highway? Because that is where most mistakes happen.
What do you call a Mexican door?
Dora.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not, you idiot. He got nailed before he died!
I'd mop the floor with your face, but you might just mess it up more.
Me: I'm afraid of random letters.
Therapist: You are?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh, I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!
Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!
What do you call an autistic kid if he was short?
A short tistic.
The doctor gave his patient 1 day of life, so he shot him. Then the judge gave him 15 years, so there you go, problem solved.
Have you ever heard of horchata? Horchata, fuck up!
A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.
The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"
You know how divers jump off a cliff and land in the water well...
Emos do that too, but when they jump, they don't land in the water.
You smell dirty toenails and pigeon sex.
I would invite you to play baseball, but there's no home for you to run to.
What do you call an ex-lesbian?
A clitter quitter.
What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?
Kid's.
Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"
When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?
