You Jokes

There was a disabled kid at my door. He said, "I'm selling some cookies, want to buy one?" I said, "Well, if you stand up, sure."

Did you guys know that Chancellor Palpatine is suing Nike?

Apparently, the company stole his slogan: Just "Do It."

Imagine you ask a girl out in braille.

And she leaves you on felt.

Did Mr. Rusher play tennis in the dark?

You will get hit by the tennis ball! Ouch, Mr. Rusher said.

How do you cut your grass without a lawn mower?

You dye it blue and it will cut itself.

How do you cut your grass without a lawnmower?

You dye it blue and it will cut itself.

What do you call an emo that crossed a road? Roadkill.

Your forehead is so big that your face touches your chin.

Why did the rooster cross the road?

To Cock-A-Doodle Die. Now you have a rooster pancake. My favorite. ^^

Did you hear about the bad joke? No? It hasn't been made up yet. HAHAHAHAHAHA

SOOOO my sister said her first bad word yesterday. "Shit." My mum was like, "What did you just say, child?"

Sister: "I said the cat shits inside like the dog shi- uh oh......"

Now I've avoided this stuff by making my own word: Sugarplum. Sugarplum = shit...

My sister made some pie, and it tasted horribly... so I said this.... "This pie is very sugarplum-y." She said, "What do you mean by that?" I said, "It tastes like sugarplums..."

What do you call a picture of an orphan? A selfie.

What do you call a picture of an orphan?

A family photo.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

What do you call a gay priest? Hahahahahaha!

Your hairline legit looks like the Himalayan mountain range, except you need binoculars to find it.

When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.

You're so fat that when you got to McDonald's, they had to call Wendy's for backup.

This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"

What do you call a person in a wheelchair?

Anything they can't catch you.