No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.
Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? -- It was a grave mistake.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
What do you call a man with 6.022 x 10^23 dollars?
A Moleionaire.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?
Take a flute and shove it up your ass.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
