Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
You Jokes
There was this guy who asked a girl how much her hand jobs are. "$25k." How much are your blowjobs? "$50k." How much do you charge to have sex on the street? REPLY: "I would if I had a pussy."
You thought his puns were bad, wait till you sea mine!
What's the difference between a bird and jam?
You can ham your cock in a bird, but you can't bird your cock in a jam.
What do you call a chair?
I don't know. What?
Oh, hi, Chairity!
You know what should give up and stay dead?
Fortnite.
Roses are red.
Grass is green.
I think of you sucking my peen.
What do you call a cow on steroids? A bull-y.
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
Car-los
what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.
Have you heard of the new book about anti-gravity?
Well, I just can't seem to put it down.
I could tell you the one about the broken pencil... but it's pointless.
Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."
Did you hear about the old Italian chef?? Yeah he pasta away.
Then a man walked comprehending to be him. Everyone knew he was an impasta.
If you were a food, what would you be?
Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."
Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."
Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."
What do you call two bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
What is the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out.
Does your shoe have a hole in it?
No.
Then how did you put your foot in it?
MAN 1) Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house?
MAN 2) No.
MAN 1) Neither did he.
Whenever you think back to 9/11 and realize there are 12 hours in front of us, why the f*ck didn't they warn us?