Yesterday

Yesterday Jokes

Fridge

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.

Donkey

A Chinese guy said to his friend: "I saw you fucking your donkey yesterday."

His friend: "No, that's impossible, it's too hot inside."

Pizzeria

"Hi, this is Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce."

Detention

I got detention yesterday because I called the group of emo kids the suicide squad.

Penis

A blind woman told me I had a big penis yesterday.

I think she was pulling my leg.

Taco

Say this when you answer a spam call...

"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."

Dementia

Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.

Funeral Home

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

9/11

My teacher asked me what my favorite number was yesterday, and I said 2977. I chose 91 for my football jersey number and Sharpied a 1 after the other 1, and my teacher Mr. Jackson's dad died in 9/11, and when he was talking about it Friday the 9th, I threw a paper airplane at him and got suspended for 3 days starting Monday.

Leprechaun

Yesterday on the school bus my friend in front of me said she was 41% Irish and 15% Mexican.

Then my friend sitting next to me said, “Wow, almost half leprechaun!”

Then I said, “Yeah, and 15 percent wall climber!”

Emo

I ran over an emo yesterday? I wanted to let him see pitch black.

I threw a lamp at an emo? I tried to lighten up his day.

Call

You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?

Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"

Drink

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

Cum

I was lip to lip yesterday, and now I can't get the cum out of my mouth.

Orphan

An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"

Monkey

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

I saw a monkey yesterday, and thought it was you.