One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."
"Did you go to the light show?"
"Yeah, it was lit."
My crush: "I cut 4 inches off my hair yesterday." Me: "So?" My crush: "4 inches is a lot!" Me: "Oh yeah?"
A boy and his friend were walking down the street.
Boy 1: "Bro, you still got my Nikes?"
Boy 2: "Yeah, sorry. I got them dirty."
Boy 1: "Please clean them, we have school tomorrow."
Boy 2 got back to his house and decided to clean his friend's shoes. After he finished drying them, he got stuck in his painfully small dryer. Then he remembered his brother needed something from the dryer. So he tried to get out, when his brother came in.
He came in twice.
(like if u understand)
Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:
1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."
Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
POV there’s a school shooting.
American: First time, European?
European: Yeah, you American?
American: No, not my first time.
So the coach got mad at me because I'm the only one on my team who is only a bit on the spectrum, and I was just keeping the ball to myself. The coach pulled me aside and said, "Pass to others." I said, "Why?" And he said, "There's no 'I' in 'team.'" I said, "Yeah, but there's an 'm' and an 'e.'"
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards?
Yeah, they're pretty holey.
Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.
Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.
Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."
Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."
*School shooting happens.*
Foreign exchange student: *Sobbing under desk.*
American student: "First time?"
Foreign exchange student: "Yeah, you?"
American student: "Hahaha. No, not my first time."
You want to hear a rape joke? Yeah. Damn you ruined it.
So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.
Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)
Frank: Yo
Fred: Hi...
Frank: U heard about de competition?
Fred: Yeah...
Frank: You wanna hang out?
Fred: .......
Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.
Fred: ...I(
Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.
Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.
Yeah, I'm made out of DNA.
✨ Depression and anxiety ✨
Teacher: This assignment is big.
Student (male): I have something that's big.
Teacher: Yeah, your forehead.
