Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?
Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
I only have 4 moods:
• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you
I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:
• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything
and don't forget the inevitable
• fuck it
and for those who have just given up
• fuck
This is beautiful.
Son: Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah, I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
Did you hear about the light bulb party? Yeah, it was pretty lit!
Did you hear about the kidnapping? Yeah, he woke up.
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
"Don't worry! Life goes on."
"Yeah, that's what's had me worried."
Male Patient: So I just pull my pants down and bend over for my prostate exam.
Doctor: Yup.
Male: Ok I'm ready....hey doc that doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: He he yeah...im not a doctor.
The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.
Teacher: "I was an orphan when I was a kid."
Students: "oof"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Yeah, your parents."
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."
His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"
Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimers? Yeah, neither have they.
Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"
Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."
Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Super Power Beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? I doubt it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, and lands with no damage whatsoever. He walks back into the bar.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Let me have some!” The man grabs the beer. He drinks it, jumps off the roof — and falls 15 stories to the ground.
Splat.
The barman says. “You know, you’re a real idiot when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Did you hear about the two-car pile-up in Mexico? Yeah like 200 Mexicans died.
One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."
