Work

Work Jokes

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a street next to a theater; not because it meant hefty handouts, but because it was a place where no other beggars or police bothered her; every night, a new crowd came to see a show, and the cute young girl found just enough mercy to survive. In fact, she did so well, that she decided to afford herself a small piece of cake every tuesday - just to keep her spirits up.

One tuesday, she could not get a break. Looked like she will go without cake this week. Then, a strange looking gentleman stopped near her. He soon heard her story, and decided to share his fortune.

Gentleman: I work as a magician in the touring show - today we performed here. Some nights, our guests want to gamble with us afterwards, and I make sure to bring home more than I came with. I try to keep it moderate - but today, this obnoxious drunk was loaded, so I emptied his pockets. Here, take this precious coin.

So this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road he starts speeding. Eventually he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, is my wife okay, she was carrying my child. The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes “APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage

As I’m lying down on the table for a radiation treatment, a small angel lands on one shoulder, a tiny devil on the other shoulder. And then the mind game begins:

Angel: This won’t last long. You are perfectly lined up. The treatment only lasts a few mins. Remember, stay absolutely still.

Devil: Did she just twitch?

A: No. She didn’t twitch.

D: I think I saw her finger twitch.

A: Well, even if it did, it’s her thigh the techs are aiming at.

D: She wants to scratch her face.

A: Stop it! She can handle staying still a few minutes.

D: But her cheek has an itchy spot.

A: She can just let it itch. She doesn’t need to scratch every itch. She will just have to think about something else.

D: Wow...that cheek is really itchy...

A: Think about: Flowers. Acrylic painting. Did the trash get picked up this morning? Her grandson Oliver’s smile...

D: How about a song?

A: Good idea!

D: How about... “Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down....”🎶

A: OMG! You just Rick-rolled her! She’s in the middle of a treatment! You know that’s the only part she knows!

D: That’s okay. She’ll just repeat the words she knows over and over and over and....

A: Don’t be so mean!

D: “Never going to give you up...🎶”

A: Stop it!

D: Her toe! Her big toe! Did you see that? She just twitched it!

A: No, she didn’t.

D: I bet it screwed up the test and they have to start over....

A: She didn’t screw anything up!

D: She totally screwed the test up and they were more than halfway done. If they start over at the beginning, she will get too much radiation, and they will end up slicing her whole leg off!

A: That’s not how it works...

D: Or they just stop all together and she only gets a partial treatment and her tumor won’t get enough radiation.

A: They know what they are doing!

D: ...And it won’t shrink the tumor and the whole thing fails. And the doctor will have to amputate her leg.

A: No! No! No! That’s not how any of this...

D: ...And when they amputate, it will be at the hip and not below the knee because the tumor is in her thigh.

A: Stop this right now!!

D: “Never going to give you up....🎶”

A: Stop!

D: “...never going let you down....🎶”

A: I’m not going to let you...

D: “Never going to give you up...🎶” .

Techs: Okay. That’s it, Tammi! We are finished! How are you doing?

Tammi: ...Oh, I’m fine.....

It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.

Q.What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A. A seatbelt.

Little Johnny went to school and right before class started, he pulled down his pants and said "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his teacher told him to put on his pants and go to the office. The principal asked him what he did, so he pulled down his pants and said "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Then the principal called his mom. The mom got there and took little Johnny home. They got in the car, and his mother asked "Johnny, what did you do this time? So johnny pulled his pants and said "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Once they got home his dad was off work and heard that johnny was coming home early from school, once again he asked johnny what he did. Johnny pulled down his pants and said "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his dad was surprised so his dad pulled down his pants and said "Big whale, big whale."

1

Neona (😃): Gwen! I got the job!!!!!!!!!

Gwen (😁): I knew it !! I knew my prayer worked!

Neona (😁): He said that all my ideas are the best and that I start on Monday!

Gwen (😏): Man, don't you love Mr. Jaekson? He is the best person the company has ever had!

Neona (🙁): Who is Mr. Jaekson?

Gwen (😕): Wait ... Mr. Jaekson didn't interview you?

Neona (😕): No! Mr. Smith did. He said he was standing.

Gwen (😯): No, Mr. Smith, you are a fool who never lets you spread the word or do anything. I can also mention that he is a person who has sexual problems!

Neona(🤨,🙁,😠): Gwen, you are a liar!

Gwen (😟): No, I'm not. I'm telling the truth Neona!

Neona (😔): Gwen please be happy that I got the job without you lying that Mr.Smith sexual hassults women!!!

Gwen (🙁): He does your not listing.

Neona (🤬): I don't care BITCH!!!!

Mr. Smith: Neona, tell us what you have for the biggest competition that we can do to keep our competitors out of the winning streak.

Neona: Will thought we used more sales and more advertising.

Mr. Smith: It's already a good idea. Now what about the business plan? We need it as recommendations to keep the business going. Tell me, what do you have in mine?

Neona: It is better to always have a plan. I was thinking that we can get higher prices and always get great deals, the people will go nuts for a great deal!

Mr. Smith: Perfect. Now let's take a 5 minute break.

Mr. Smith: Ok, 5 minutes is up!

Now Neona, I know you are an intern, but what are the best things we can do for the company?

Neona: Hmm...lets see...will we can start with all the things people love! If this is going to work then we have have to......

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on Karien.

Karien: Will I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Will just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day...24 hours mom!

Prince will be commeing back in 10 mins here is a joke

Gwen: Prince sorry but I'm wanting some one else instead. You've just been a complete jackass towards me, sorry good night.

Prince: Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gwen: Good night!

Prince: Why?

Gwen: Because...now good night!

Prince: We can work somethings out?

Gwen: Nope...NOW GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!!!

To be contined

My stepdad took me to work and he told me I could climb trees. I woke up in a hospital, wait did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack