If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?
The dark.
I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink? A dipresso espresso.
Where does the keyboard go to dinner? The space bar.
How do you get a light bulb horny? You turn it on!
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
My dad is so good at instruments, he said he loves to finger "a minor."
What do you call it when a man is scared in Panera Bread?
Panera dread.
What do you call an apple that fell out of the tree?
An orphan.
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "Iβm all right now."
Why don't oysters share their pearls?
Because they're shellfish!
Why was 10 afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11.
How does the bunny keep his fur neat?
With a hare brush.
What feature does an orphan's phone not have?
A home button.
I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.
I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Bad Hitler puns are infuhrerating.
What did PETA say when a cheetah won 5 million dollars?
You can't beat a cheetah!
Damn bro, are you Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?
Cuz you be lookin AuTiSTiC.
