Why jokes
Why is suicide illegal?
Because it destroys government property.
Why did Kamala Harris visit the library?
To check out some “law” books and maybe return a few skeletons.
Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because he doesn't know where home is.
Why can't dinosaurs clap?
'Cause they're dead.
Why did the bike fall over?
Because it was two tired.
You know why I hate paper? It's TEAR-able to the environment.
Why did Stephen Hawking roll across the road?
Because he had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.
So a mushroom walks in a bar and the waiter says, "You can't be here."
And the mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fungi!"
Why were the people in the Twin Towers upset? They ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead they got plane.
Why was Boiling Water hired by NASA (The National Aeronautics and Space Administration) to oversee their Space division?
Because it has at least one hundred degrees.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Why did Helen Keller walk in on someone in the bathroom?
Because she didn’t know it was the bathroom.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: .....it...
Friend: No
Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!
Friend: Why are you like this?
Why do animals have playing cards with foxes?
Because they’re a bunch of cheetahs!
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.
Why can't a dinosaur clap? Because it's dead.
Why does Trump "not" wear glasses? Because he's got 20/20 vision!
Why did the child cross the road?
To get to the church.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The Priest... Let's go to my office, because I'm totally not a pedophile.
Why can’t Sally get a hair cut? She has cancer.
Why did my wife leave me?
I wish I knew.