Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby who?
Never mind, I’ll come back when you’re sleeping.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson.
My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"
Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.
Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!
Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
A boy was terrible at writing sentences, so his teacher gave him an assignment to help with that. The boy was to go home, write five sentences, and return to school the next day.
When he went home, he took a notepad and a pen and went to his dad for help. His dad was in a very important business call, so he angrily shouted at the child, "Shut up, you donkey!" The boy noted down that sentence. He next went to his mom, who assumed that he wanted to play video games, so she said, "No, my dear, tomorrow." That was his second sentence. For the third sentence, he went to his older brother, who was watching football where someone scored a goal, so he was jumping up and down yelling, "Goal! Goal!"
For the fourth sentence, he went to his sister, who was singing, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man!" For the last sentence, he went to his grandmother, who was cleaning the toilet and singing, "Under the toilet, under the toilet."
He went to school the next day, and his teacher asked him to tell her the sentences. The boy said, "Shut up, you donkey!" The teacher got angry after hearing this and asked the boy, "Do you want me to slap you?" The boy said, "No, my dear, tomorrow." This made the teacher so angry that she slapped the boy. Immediately, he started jumping up and down yelling, "Goal! Goal!" The teacher dragged him to the principal's office, as she was fed up with him. The principal asked the boy what his name was, to which he replied by singing, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man!" She asked him where he lived, so he sang, "Under the toilet, under the toilet."
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Roger.
(Roger who?)
Roger walks away, silently sobbing, having realized his mother’s Alzheimer’s is getting worse!
There were four people who went to land... only three returned... Why?
They left someone for memories!
There was someone who slept late... he missed the dream!
I asked my friend, "Shouldn't we have 6 senses?"
He replied, "What is the 6th sense?"
"Common sense," I shot back while looking at the kid who was going to detention. "Never mind," I said.
I went for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible!"
Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."
Q. What do they call an ISIS terrorist who owns both a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.
A guy who just got robbed says, "I've been hacked, and the hacker ransomware!"
Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.
I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.
But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!” A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not your dad.
