Attended my bosses funeral to pay my respect, on my way out I leant over his casket and whispered lightly.....'Well look whos thinking Outside the box now'.....
Q. What do they call an Isis terrorist who owns both a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.
A guy who just got robbed says "I've been hacked and the hacker ransomware."
Imagine there’s a funny joke here..imagined it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum cause you’re schizophrenic.(This is my joke, I came up with it myself, anybody else who has said it said it after me, it’s important to me lol because I came up with it)
I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking. But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?
A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!” A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not your dad.
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Knock, knock. (Who’s there?) It’s the police ma’am, your son got hit by a drunken driver he’s dead.
My 2 year old Asian baby cant do calculus Look who in sweatshop now
"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
Who was the first anesthesiologist? Hitler
"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims – they went 89 stories in ten seconds.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender can squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time Weight Lifters, Lumberjacks, men in the Army, and Etc. But still, nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet". After the laughter had died down the bartender said "okay" and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to Total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack a weight lifter or what?". The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS".
If a blind person can’t see then, do they sleep?
They’re the night watchers while people who see sleep
Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.
There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.
