I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin ⚰️ and whispered. "Whose late now ?"
I can’t remember if I already said this or not I might of already said this also this is a true story. So I’m walking into a store in Amish country and there’s this guy with a bear trap then my moms friend says this guys gonna catch some bears then the Amish guy stop looks around and whispers “it’s for democrats”
Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had. The clerk replied "Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!" The nun said, "Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers, "She has the constipation." The clerk said "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says, "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!" One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!
Jack quietly crawled through Jill’s bedroom window, trying not to make a single noise. She sat on her bed, her back facing him. Jack tiptoed up behind her, laid his hands on her shoulders and said, in a rather sensual tone,
“Boo.”
“Jack!” She yelled, “what are you doing here?”
Jack sat down next to her and smiled.
“I figured today was a good day to maybe go up to the hill?” He said.
“That sounds fun,” said Jill.
“C’mon, let’s go!”
The kids climbed down from Jill’s second story window. The frolicked around in the fields, hair swaying in the wind, as they neared the nearby hill. Jack took Jill’s hand, and they skipped up to the very top of the hill. They sat down on the bright green grass and giggled.
“You ready?” Asked Jack
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Jill replied with a wink.
Jack laid his hand on Jill’s chest, softly pushing her onto her back. He got down on his knees, and bent down to the bottom of her dress.
“I’ve waited a long time for this...” he whispered.
Jack slowly pulled up Jill’s dress with one hand, running the other up her thigh. His anticipation was building faster and faster. He looked her in the eyes as he slowly pulled down her panties. Once they were all the way off, he turned his head downward. His mouth opened, his eyes went wide. Jack was speechless. Before he could say anything, Jill slammed his head down, gagging him with her giant cock. She sat up as she slammed his head up and down. Jack began to feel dizzy as he gagged and coughed.
“Silly Jack, didn’t you know? I’m not Jill. I never was. My name’s Randy. You’re mine now, Jack. So sit back, enjoy the ride.” Said Randy.
Randy moved Jack’s head faster and faster as he threw his head back. It was coming, fast. All of a sudden, he stopped. Jack’s head stood still as his mouth became a fountain of white, drizzling all over Randy’s legs and onto the grass. Randy let go and Jack jumped back, spitting and trying to get it all out of his mouth. Just as the dizziness began to fade, Randy walked over. The last thing Jack saw was Randy’s fist hurtling towards him...
The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”
Little johnny is a trucker, he stops at a bar. johnny sees a sign that says hamburgers for two dollers, cheeseburger for three dollars, handjob for ten dollars. he walks up to the bartender and whispers to her, "are you the one that gives the handjobs for ten dollars?" she replies "yes, thats me" johnny says "well can you wash your hands because i want a cheeseburger"
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia. The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow
After every line, say “I’m a man.” I went to the club. (I’m a man) I met a girl. (I’m a man) I took her to the bar. (I’m a man) We got some drinks. (I’m a man) I took her home. (I’m a man) We got in bed. (I’m a man) She whispered in my ear, (I’m a man)
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it "I'll get you some food once we get off"
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church. You follow him in and under their breath it sounds like somebody says you steal and you say in your mind knowing you have before I’m sorry then somebody caughs and under their breath it sounds like they say again you steal so you whisper quietly I’m sorry... ...then somebody in German says shoot that son of a bitch
Little Johnny walked to his parents room, they were having sex and Little Johnny didn’t know what that was soo, he said “What are y’all doing?” The parents replied “Umm, r-rapping presents!” . Little Johnny said “ok.” and then left. In the morning Little Johnny opened his presents, his parents said “This one is from Santa!” Little Johnny said “No it’s not, y’all said y’all were rapping the presents.” The parents said “Ohh fuck” Little Johnny replied “What mommy and daddy?” They replied “Oh nothing!” “Oh ok.” Little Johnny said. The mom whispered in the dads ears “At least he doesn’t know the truth.” Little Johnny said “What truth.”
Before my grandad died he whispered to me is your uncle still in the basement i said he has died oh my grandad said i will lock him in heavens basement
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
Why did Helen Keller’s boyfriend have wax on his finger? Because he was whispering sweet nothings into her ear!
tech administrator of a school: hm, a message from google security? tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT! assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME? tech administrator of a school: WEVE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE! assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! that's a good one, almost as good as the one with jack, jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right? head of school board: *whispers* yeah were fucked...
TWO HOURS LATER
important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!
AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER
My daughter came home from school later then usual I was panicking then at 5:30pm she arrived not walking but in a bus 🚌 I asked where the hell did this bus come from! She said the garage in the alleyway mama I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons you like her she is called belle bus. My face was just:😑 how did u get the bus here she reply’s with a whisper I drove her through five gardens a house and two police cars! 🙃 so that explains why you have handcuffs on “yeah!”
My son asked me “ what is angel cake made of?” I reply by listing the ingredients in mr Kipling angel cakes, Then he shouts “STOP” I stop as I reach food colourings he slowly crawls towards me and says in a whisper “well in my angel cake I put angels in them” I freaked out about this so I calmed down and asked who did you put in this angel cake he said”grandma the one who died last Saturday”
I speak for the trees * Trees whisper in my ear* They said six million wasn't enough
*Say I'm a man after every sentence* You walk into a bar. (I'm a man) You find a girl . ( I'm a man) You take her home.(I'm a man) She whispers in your ear.(I'm a man)
