When jokes

People always ask what the secret of our family's happiness is. It is simple really.

1. Television and computer games are limited to a couple of hours each week.

2. We all give each other a hand when needed.

Last but not least, we play Twister.

What do kids play when they can't play with a phone?

Bored games.

You know Hitler loves you when he comes up to you on Valentine's Day and he says, "Will you be my Valenein?"

When you met her first before your parents met each other. (In the case of your mom dating her dad).

When Ariana Grande walked into the church, she said, "GOD IS A WOMAN!"

What do you do when you run out of lines on your book?

You look at the emo girl and say, "Hey, can I borrow your arm?"

VOTING SEMIFINAL 1

LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

DISLIKE: When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”.

Vote for the better joke.

When the school shooter throws a smoke grenade into the classroom, and the autistic kid thinks it's a disco party. 🕺🕺🕺

A turtle was walking down the street when all of a sudden a snail came up to him and robbed him.

When the policemen showed up and asked him what happened, he responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

When your mom says, "Go to bed," but you reply with, "But Mom, I need help because it is inside, but we are outside."

You are American when you walk to the bathroom. What are you when you are in there?

You're-a-peein'. European.

Your mum so fat that when she sat down she said, "Why are there so many people under me?"

What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?

A dictator.

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um

What did they call Susan B. Anthony when she was sleeping on the job?

Snoozin' B. Anthony!

What did Stephen Hawking's computer say when he died?

"ERROR"

Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.

Yo mama is so fat when she sees a bus full of white people, she thinks it's a Twinkie, lmao xd.

What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?

... A boner.

Man, don't you hate it when you hit a speed bump by an orphanage but then realize there's no speed bumps here...