When jokes

I was confused when they asked me, "Do you know how to fly a plane?" Then, when I said, "No," they said, "Perfect!"

The real reason women are always cold is because they’re not in front of a stove or an oven. So, naturally, when they leave the habitat, they need to have two blankets.

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS!

When I was in middle school, I was kidnapped by a terrorist organization.

Al-gebra.

I'm so poor that when people come over to my house, I come out the window and say, "Ding Dong!"

What did the sweet potato say to the potato when he was told to hurry?

I yam.

What do kids play when they can't play with a phone?

Bored games.

You are American when you walk to the bathroom. What are you when you are in there?

You're-a-peein'. European.

Your mum so fat that when she sat down she said, "Why are there so many people under me?"

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

Son:...... um

What did they call Susan B. Anthony when she was sleeping on the job?

Snoozin' B. Anthony!

What did Stephen Hawking's computer say when he died?

"ERROR"

Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.

What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?

... A boner.

Man, don't you hate it when you hit a speed bump by an orphanage but then realize there's no speed bumps here...

Yo mama is so fat when she sees a bus full of white people, she thinks it's a Twinkie, lmao xd.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a PC?

When my PC crashes, I actually give a fuck.

When my girlfriend broke up with me, I took her wheelchair. I always knew she would come crawling back.

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b*tch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day.”

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie?” the teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s b*tch.”