When jokes
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
What do Christians and gays have in common?
They both say, “Oh God” when they get on their knees.
What stresses a baby strawberry out?
When its mom is in a jam.
When does a computer function best? When it listens to its motherboard.
My husband asked me to get 6 cans of Sprite at the store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7-Up.
What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?
A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.
What does a French guy say when he falls off?
Oh no, Eiffel!
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
Where does a suicide bomber go when he dies?
Everywhere.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.
But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!
It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
Yo mama so fat that when she went on the scale, it showed her phone number.
Yo mama so fat that when Thanos snapped his fingers, she was still there.
Your mama is so fat that when she went to the scale, it said, "No elephants allowed!"
"Yo mama's so fat that when she farts, Al Gore accuses her of global warming."
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."