When jokes
An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.
The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.
"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.
"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.
What happens when you get a virus-related sickness? It goes viral on Twitter!
Time heals all wounds.
Unless you have AIDS, when time kills you slowly and painfully.
What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking you.
When I grow up, I wanna be like Lil Peep... Dead.
Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus.
Your mama is so stupid that when she heard drinks were on the house, she grabbed a ladder.
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
You punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
When you send your girl a dick pic, but she says it's small, so you text back and say:
"Enjoy the little things."
What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?
You better not lay a finger on her!
When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then "WHOA-MAN!!"
How does a blind person know when a skydive has finished?
The dog lead went slack.
What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?
I'm logging out.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits down, global warming starts.
Q: What does a microwave and an M1 Garand have in common?
A: They both go “ping” when they’re done.
A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.
The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
What is it called when a gay guy punches someone?
Fruit punch.