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What do you do when you're sad?

Nothing, because you are just crying about something happening to you.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

It's not bad that my car doesn't beep when reversing.

The screams of the passers-by are enough for me!

You're so skinny you're a thin stick.

You're so fat that when you got in Pacific Ocean, you became the Pacific Ocean.

You're so ugly you got stuff for free.

You're so nasty that when you eat spaghetti, you thought it was throw up.

You're so fat you're the fattest person on Earth.

You are so gay you kissed the boy last night.

Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure?"

That's a horrible thing to find out when you're adopted.

When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.

Say this when you answer a spam call...

"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."

What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?

An investigator!

Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.

The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.

Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.

On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.

This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!

Why was the orphan so successful?

Because when he was told "go big or go home," he only had one option.

Your hairline is so far back that when I put on my glasses, I thought I saw an "M" for McDonald's on your hairline.

pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.

passengers: *start freaking out*

pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.

passengers: *sigh with relief*

pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.

I started crying when Dad was chopping onions.

Onions was a good dog.

When I was born, I saw you at the adoption center alone.

That day your dad got milk. 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬